Yesterday was a pretty good day. I actually did some photos of some of my friends kids for my web site and the first one was a little difficult because I was working on ZERO sleep and my tinnitus was really loud. I continued with it because I made myself the promise that I was geeting out of my room and showered after 3 days of not doing either. By the time I got to my girlfriend's house to take pictures of her ADORABLE son I was feeling a bit better. The tinnitus was still raging, but I got my second wind and took some really cute pictures. We had a nice lunch together and then it was back home.
By the time I got home and had everyone settled I thought for sure I would be able to go to sleep...not so much! Not only was my tinnitus raging, but I had an earache too! FML!! I sometimes think that in a past life I was some horrible person and somehow I am being punished for past sins. So I lay there literally in tears until I guess I cried myself to sleep. The last time I looked at the clock it said 4:45, my alarm went off at 6:45 and I had to get Josie ready for school and myself ready to go to her school to help dress the kids and set up for the party. Then it was outside with the wind (and still an earache) to watch the Halloween parade. Of course my daughter looked ADORABLE, but it was hard to really enjoy myself. We went back inside to play games, and with all the noise, the lack of sleep, the tinnitus, and the earache I couldn't wait to leave!
Again I think that I will be able to go to sleep early, but lo and behold here I sit at 10:06 PM an hour and a half after taking my prescribed sleeping pill with the devil in my ear.
Tomorrow night I am supposed to go see the King and I with my mom and my 2 nieces so I NEED to get some sleep. On a positive note my order came in from my girlfriend (who is the mother of the cutest little boy and above mentioned model for me) so I have some AWESOME boots to wear tomorrow.
I can't wait until November because I will be heading to VA to visit with my dearest friend and her 2 beautiful kids and great husband. Maybe a little change will help things even a little. One can hope; right!?!?!
I hope everyone has a wonderful Halloween!
Edited to say it is 2:53AM and here I lay after being exhausted AND taking sleep meds *sigh*.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
So I'm back
Ok I know it's been a while, and honestly I had no intention to write anymore, but words from a sweet friend made me reconsider. I guess I wasn't writing anymore, because, well I had nothing good to write about the tinnitus. It's still hear rearing it's ugly head in my daily life. I use the term life rather loosely because I no longer feel like I have one. I keep hoping one day I will habituate tinnitus, but that day has yet to come. More then 15 months later and I still have a hard time coping.
Luckily, I have been on the American Tinnitus Association site on Facebook where there are people who can truly understand what this horrible condition does to a person. I had a REALLY dark week last week and the suicidal thoughts were there and I really felt broken and defeated. Because of my children I know this is a road I would not take, but it still scares me that there are times I seriously wish I was dead, because then the noise would stop. Admitting this feeling makes me feel guilty and mostly weak.
My psychiatrist (bless him) is trying his hardest to stay on point with my depression and has now added Cymbalta along with the Lexapro and the sleeping meds. While the sleeping meds may not be working as they should dealing with the depression right now is my main concern. Last week I literally stayed in the same clothes and mostly in my bed for four days! I say mostly in my bed because on 2 occasions I actually had to leave my house, and sadly did so in the same clothes and looking (and probably smelling) like a street person.
I am not very fun to be around, and as much as my neighbor and dear friend tries to get me out of my house to just go visit with her, I can't. I have no desire to be around anyone and do the fake everything is fine routine. I again, have been in the same clothes and not showered for the past 3 days. BELIEVE ME I KNOW IT'S GROSS!!! I have appointments to take photos tomorrow, and I have Pumpkin Carving at the school tomorrow night, and Josie's school party on Friday (which I volunteered for), a play with my mom on Saturday night, and trick or treating on Sunday and all I want to do is stay in bed!
I will get up and showered tomorrow and at least do one of the photo shoots, but honestly it is so hard for me to concentrate and focus that it isn't as enjoyable as it used to be. This post took me forever to write because it's hard to keep focused. All the other things; well we'll see how it goes....
I miss my old life, and I don't know how to adjust to this new life. I hate Tinnitus, I hate the fact that I am on anti depressants and BP meds and Thyroid meds (never was on any of these BEFORE tinnitus). I'm 43 and feel so much older and I know that sounds pathetic, I say those words and it makes me even more depressed.
On a positive note (yes I have them occasionally) the anti seizure meds I was put on to try and "rewire" my brain to shut this sound off hasn't worked on the tinnitus, but it has made me lose weight. Fran and I are doing great (he has a lot of patience) and Josie LOVES school.
Luckily, I have been on the American Tinnitus Association site on Facebook where there are people who can truly understand what this horrible condition does to a person. I had a REALLY dark week last week and the suicidal thoughts were there and I really felt broken and defeated. Because of my children I know this is a road I would not take, but it still scares me that there are times I seriously wish I was dead, because then the noise would stop. Admitting this feeling makes me feel guilty and mostly weak.
My psychiatrist (bless him) is trying his hardest to stay on point with my depression and has now added Cymbalta along with the Lexapro and the sleeping meds. While the sleeping meds may not be working as they should dealing with the depression right now is my main concern. Last week I literally stayed in the same clothes and mostly in my bed for four days! I say mostly in my bed because on 2 occasions I actually had to leave my house, and sadly did so in the same clothes and looking (and probably smelling) like a street person.
I am not very fun to be around, and as much as my neighbor and dear friend tries to get me out of my house to just go visit with her, I can't. I have no desire to be around anyone and do the fake everything is fine routine. I again, have been in the same clothes and not showered for the past 3 days. BELIEVE ME I KNOW IT'S GROSS!!! I have appointments to take photos tomorrow, and I have Pumpkin Carving at the school tomorrow night, and Josie's school party on Friday (which I volunteered for), a play with my mom on Saturday night, and trick or treating on Sunday and all I want to do is stay in bed!
I will get up and showered tomorrow and at least do one of the photo shoots, but honestly it is so hard for me to concentrate and focus that it isn't as enjoyable as it used to be. This post took me forever to write because it's hard to keep focused. All the other things; well we'll see how it goes....
I miss my old life, and I don't know how to adjust to this new life. I hate Tinnitus, I hate the fact that I am on anti depressants and BP meds and Thyroid meds (never was on any of these BEFORE tinnitus). I'm 43 and feel so much older and I know that sounds pathetic, I say those words and it makes me even more depressed.
On a positive note (yes I have them occasionally) the anti seizure meds I was put on to try and "rewire" my brain to shut this sound off hasn't worked on the tinnitus, but it has made me lose weight. Fran and I are doing great (he has a lot of patience) and Josie LOVES school.
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