This is me :)

This is me :)

Friday, November 12, 2010

I'm so tired

So tired of so many things. I'm tired of having a constant noise in my ear. Tired of pretending, tired of smiling when what I really want to do is crawl up in a ball and cry. Mostly though, I'm tired of being tired. Even if I get a few hours sleep I wake exhausted. I go through my day exhausted, and I lay here at night exhausted.

There is a Dr. in Michigan that does a surgery putting electrodes in your brain to try and bypass the tinnitus. A woman D, also on the ATA page is seeing him soon. I hope to get more information when she sees him, maybe a doctor around here that performs the same type of surgery. If not, and once I get more information, I'm hoping workman's comp will pay for him to do this procedure. My girlfriend thinks I'm nuts, but I will try anything to get rid of this God awful noise.

That's all I have tonight. I'm to tired to think let alone type anymore. Happy Veteran's Day.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Try not to think about it

That is the advice I have been given more often then not, and while it sounds like terrific advice, it's something I am not capable of doing. To me that is like telling someone who was just diagnosed with terminal cancer to try not to think about it. I understand that my condition is not terminal (although some days I would like to argue that point), but it HAS stolen my life. When I say that, I feel like I am whining, but honestly I don't know what else to do.
In 4 days I have had a total of NINE hours sleep. It's not that I am not tired, and I DO take my sleep meds, but this sound doesn't let me get in that rest mode so that I am able to sleep. It's like trying to sleep with someone yelling in your ear constantly to wake up. I stayed in bed most of the day today, and am still in it, not just from being depressed, but because I am hoping that at some point I can steal some sleep.
I have found encouraging words from the ATA group on facebook, and listening to their stories and struggles helps me greatly. I could NOT imagine trying to travel this uncertain road without anyone knowing what it's like.
My psychiatrist is also someone I could not do this without. I think back to when I was told they were changing me from DR M to DR P after 8 months, and I was so upset. Honestly, Dr P is such a better fit for me. I feel like he isn't judging me (lord knows I do that enough), and has empathy for what I struggle with.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

It's 6:13 AM I should be sleeping

Yet again, tinnitus has not let me sleep. So here I lay, cursing at the invasion, staring at the TV but unable to even focus on what is on. It's extremely loud right now, and I have an earache in that ear. Not really sure if one is causing the other. I've been told my tinnitus is not severe enough or frequent enough, yet I have it 24/7 and it is severe enough to destroy my sleep. Of course the person that told me that does not and has never suffered with this condition. This is what I deal with on a daily basis, and one wonders why I am on anti depressants. So this is my bitch fest for the day :)

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Sometimes A Little Note Can Change Your Day

I've had a rough couple of days. Tinnitus raging, sleep has been awful, depression has been consuming and on top of it all I have been feeling like a horrible mother. Josie only had school Monday and Wednesday this week because of elections and Teacher In Service, and because I haven't been falling asleep until 4 or 5 AM I did not hear the alarm BOTH DAYS!!! Not only that, I was feeling so horrible I couldn't even muster the energy or desire to drive her to school. I will add here that she LOVES school and I felt like the worst mother in the world, because this is the first time she missed. I HATE when I get this depressed, and tired, it literally takes every ounce of "life" out of me. Seriously, it is times like this that I feel people would be better off without me. My kids are what keeps me here.
I wish I would just break down and admit defeat and ask someone to call me every morning to make sure I am up, but I am 43 and a mother I should be able to do this on my own. My Psychiatrist has added Cymbalta to the Lexapro because he can see me slipping the other way. I just hope it does something, anything because I am so tired of feeling like this.
I was on FB and I saw a message in my box. I didn't recognize the name, but decided to open it anyway. I was surprised that it was a note from someone from the ATA (American Tinnitus Association) support on FB that has not only read my posts, BUT actually took the time to send me a note letting me know I am not alone and that she reads my posts. More importantly, she said she knows of another person on the board who has posted a while back who also got tinnitus post lightening strike. She is going to see if she can find the post for me. She also remembers reading an article of this happening to someone else.
I so hope that she can find this information, because as crazy as it sounds I NEED there to be someone else, more importantly, someone else that I can possibly talk to. This condition is so hard to explain and talk to people who don't have it. It's not a disability that you can see, and you can't hear what it is that I do 24/7 so how can you, and how can I expect you to?
So anyway, that little note changed my really bad day (or days) into a smile if only briefly, I'll take it!

Friday, October 29, 2010

On a positive note

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I actually did some photos of some of my friends kids for my web site and the first one was a little difficult because I was working on ZERO sleep and my tinnitus was really loud. I continued with it because I made myself the promise that I was geeting out of my room and showered after 3 days of not doing either. By the time I got to my girlfriend's house to take pictures of her ADORABLE son I was feeling a bit better. The tinnitus was still raging, but I got my second wind and took some really cute pictures. We had a nice lunch together and then it was back home.
By the time I got home and had everyone settled I thought for sure I would be able to go to sleep...not so much! Not only was my tinnitus raging, but I had an earache too! FML!! I sometimes think that in a past life I was some horrible person and somehow I am being punished for past sins. So I lay there literally in tears until I guess I cried myself to sleep. The last time I looked at the clock it said 4:45, my alarm went off at 6:45 and I had to get Josie ready for school and myself ready to go to her school to help dress the kids and set up for the party. Then it was outside with the wind (and still an earache) to watch the Halloween parade. Of course my daughter looked ADORABLE, but it was hard to really enjoy myself. We went back inside to play games, and with all the noise, the lack of sleep, the tinnitus, and the earache I couldn't wait to leave!
Again I think that I will be able to go to sleep early, but lo and behold here I sit at 10:06 PM an hour and a half after taking my prescribed sleeping pill with the devil in my ear.
Tomorrow night I am supposed to go see the King and I with my mom and my 2 nieces so I NEED to get some sleep. On a positive note my order came in from my girlfriend (who is the mother of the cutest little boy and above mentioned model for me) so I have some AWESOME boots to wear tomorrow.
I can't wait until November because I will be heading to VA to visit with my dearest friend and her 2 beautiful kids and great husband. Maybe a little change will help things even a little. One can hope; right!?!?!
I hope everyone has a wonderful Halloween!

Edited to say it is 2:53AM and here I lay after being exhausted AND taking sleep meds *sigh*.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

So I'm back

Ok I know it's been a while, and honestly I had no intention to write anymore, but words from a sweet friend made me reconsider. I guess I wasn't writing anymore, because, well I had nothing good to write about the tinnitus. It's still hear rearing it's ugly head in my daily life. I use the term life rather loosely because I no longer feel like I have one. I keep hoping one day I will habituate tinnitus, but that day has yet to come. More then 15 months later and I still have a hard time coping.
Luckily, I have been on the American Tinnitus Association site on Facebook where there are people who can truly understand what this horrible condition does to a person. I had a REALLY dark week last week and the suicidal thoughts were there and I really felt broken and defeated. Because of my children I know this is a road I would not take, but it still scares me that there are times I seriously wish I was dead, because then the noise would stop. Admitting this feeling makes me feel guilty and mostly weak.
My psychiatrist (bless him) is trying his hardest to stay on point with my depression and has now added Cymbalta along with the Lexapro and the sleeping meds. While the sleeping meds may not be working as they should dealing with the depression right now is my main concern. Last week I literally stayed in the same clothes and mostly in my bed for four days! I say mostly in my bed because on 2 occasions I actually had to leave my house, and sadly did so in the same clothes and looking (and probably smelling) like a street person.
I am not very fun to be around, and as much as my neighbor and dear friend tries to get me out of my house to just go visit with her, I can't. I have no desire to be around anyone and do the fake everything is fine routine. I again, have been in the same clothes and not showered for the past 3 days. BELIEVE ME I KNOW IT'S GROSS!!! I have appointments to take photos tomorrow, and I have Pumpkin Carving at the school tomorrow night, and Josie's school party on Friday (which I volunteered for), a play with my mom on Saturday night, and trick or treating on Sunday and all I want to do is stay in bed!
I will get up and showered tomorrow and at least do one of the photo shoots, but honestly it is so hard for me to concentrate and focus that it isn't as enjoyable as it used to be. This post took me forever to write because it's hard to keep focused. All the other things; well we'll see how it goes....
I miss my old life, and I don't know how to adjust to this new life. I hate Tinnitus, I hate the fact that I am on anti depressants and BP meds and Thyroid meds (never was on any of these BEFORE tinnitus). I'm 43 and feel so much older and I know that sounds pathetic, I say those words and it makes me even more depressed.
On a positive note (yes I have them occasionally) the anti seizure meds I was put on to try and "rewire" my brain to shut this sound off hasn't worked on the tinnitus, but it has made me lose weight. Fran and I are doing great (he has a lot of patience) and Josie LOVES school.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Hope everyone had a great 4th of July

I have been MIA, so let me catch up quickly. My son came into town which is always a pleasure to spend QT time with him! I also have a lot going on personally that I am trying to work through, but that is not for this post ;)
We went to the 4th of July parade (on the 3rd LOL ) that our town has, which is always nice. The fire trucks however, was a rather annoying this year, and left my tinnitus on overdrive for the remainder of the day. I did continue with all the activity we had planned for this weekend because Josie was very excited about our fun-filled schedule.
After he parade we headed out to Mays Landing for a summer jamboree that friends invited us to at their sister's house. It was a great day back in the woods with music, good food, and good friends. Josie spent all of the day and night in the pool or jumping on the trampoline. I spent all of that time eating the great food LOL. The band was nice, and since my tinnitus was already in overdrive, I sat across the yard and listened from there. Did I mention the food was great? I seriously have the most wonderful friends, and enjoyed spending the day and night with them, and meeting new ones. Everyone set up tents in the woods, but Josie and I went home with our friend's and crashed at their place.
Yesterday we went to both my nephew's combined HS graduation party for swimming and more eating. Then we headed to our dear friend's mother's house for some more fun for Josie swimming and playing with all the kids. It is one of our favorite places to go. Awesome authentic Mexican food, Corona, and the nicest people you will ever meet. You are always made to feel like family there. We are actually heading back there today for some barbecue!
I adore my new doctor! He has found a medication that allows me to get 4-5 hours of undisturbed real sleep until the tinnitus wakes me again. He is also helping me with the anger, sadness and frustration I have that I have not had a moment of silence since July 16, 2009. The times when I am idle are the times it hits me the most, because it is during those times that I try to read a book (used to be able to read a book in 2 days), and realize that it takes me forever to read a chapter or two because I can't concentrate or really focus on what I am reading because of the damn noise. My photography has become harder too. I still *take* pictures, it is a passion after all, but editing them becomes a frustrating CHORE because of the focus and concentration issues. I become overwhelmed a lot because I used to take photos, upload and edit immediately, and now I take pictures but the uploading and editing has become such a frustrating and emotionally depleting thing that when I do decide to upload the pics I have hundred's (and at one time 1337 photos) to upload at once and that just brings me back to the anger and frustration  tinnitus has unleashed on me.
I hate when I have my own pity parties, because I have never considered myself a victim mentality type of person, but at times tinnitus breaks me more mentally, emotionally and physically and those days really piss me off, and leaves me feeling like a weak person. I continue on my quest to learn about my condition in hopes to one day have the coping skills to live with this condition without IT dictating my life and the person I have become which some days I don't recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror.