So I'm back

Ok I know it's been a while, and honestly I had no intention to write anymore, but words from a sweet friend made me reconsider. I guess I wasn't writing anymore, because, well I had nothing good to write about the tinnitus. It's still hear rearing it's ugly head in my daily life. I use the term life rather loosely because I no longer feel like I have one. I keep hoping one day I will habituate tinnitus, but that day has yet to come. More then 15 months later and I still have a hard time coping.
Luckily, I have been on the American Tinnitus Association site on Facebook where there are people who can truly understand what this horrible condition does to a person. I had a REALLY dark week last week and the suicidal thoughts were there and I really felt broken and defeated. Because of my children I know this is a road I would not take, but it still scares me that there are times I seriously wish I was dead, because then the noise would stop. Admitting this feeling makes me feel guilty and mostly weak.
My psychiatrist (bless him) is trying his hardest to stay on point with my depression and has now added Cymbalta along with the Lexapro and the sleeping meds. While the sleeping meds may not be working as they should dealing with the depression right now is my main concern. Last week I literally stayed in the same clothes and mostly in my bed for four days! I say mostly in my bed because on 2 occasions I actually had to leave my house, and sadly did so in the same clothes and looking (and probably smelling) like a street person.
I am not very fun to be around, and as much as my neighbor and dear friend tries to get me out of my house to just go visit with her, I can't. I have no desire to be around anyone and do the fake everything is fine routine. I again, have been in the same clothes and not showered for the past 3 days. BELIEVE ME I KNOW IT'S GROSS!!! I have appointments to take photos tomorrow, and I have Pumpkin Carving at the school tomorrow night, and Josie's school party on Friday (which I volunteered for), a play with my mom on Saturday night, and trick or treating on Sunday and all I want to do is stay in bed!
I will get up and showered tomorrow and at least do one of the photo shoots, but honestly it is so hard for me to concentrate and focus that it isn't as enjoyable as it used to be. This post took me forever to write because it's hard to keep focused. All the other things; well we'll see how it goes....
I miss my old life, and I don't know how to adjust to this new life. I hate Tinnitus, I hate the fact that I am on anti depressants and BP meds and Thyroid meds (never was on any of these BEFORE tinnitus). I'm 43 and feel so much older and I know that sounds pathetic, I say those words and it makes me even more depressed.
On a positive note (yes I have them occasionally) the anti seizure meds I was put on to try and "rewire" my brain to shut this sound off hasn't worked on the tinnitus, but it has made me lose weight. Fran and I are doing great (he has a lot of patience) and Josie LOVES school.