I'm so tired

So tired of so many things. I'm tired of having a constant noise in my ear. Tired of pretending, tired of smiling when what I really want to do is crawl up in a ball and cry. Mostly though, I'm tired of being tired. Even if I get a few hours sleep I wake exhausted. I go through my day exhausted, and I lay here at night exhausted.

There is a Dr. in Michigan that does a surgery putting electrodes in your brain to try and bypass the tinnitus. A woman D, also on the ATA page is seeing him soon. I hope to get more information when she sees him, maybe a doctor around here that performs the same type of surgery. If not, and once I get more information, I'm hoping workman's comp will pay for him to do this procedure. My girlfriend thinks I'm nuts, but I will try anything to get rid of this God awful noise.

That's all I have tonight. I'm to tired to think let alone type anymore. Happy Veteran's Day.

Try not to think about it

That is the advice I have been given more often then not, and while it sounds like terrific advice, it's something I am not capable of doing. To me that is like telling someone who was just diagnosed with terminal cancer to try not to think about it. I understand that my condition is not terminal (although some days I would like to argue that point), but it HAS stolen my life. When I say that, I feel like I am whining, but honestly I don't know what else to do.
In 4 days I have had a total of NINE hours sleep. It's not that I am not tired, and I DO take my sleep meds, but this sound doesn't let me get in that rest mode so that I am able to sleep. It's like trying to sleep with someone yelling in your ear constantly to wake up. I stayed in bed most of the day today, and am still in it, not just from being depressed, but because I am hoping that at some point I can steal some sleep.
I have found encouraging words from the ATA group on facebook, and listening to their stories and struggles helps me greatly. I could NOT imagine trying to travel this uncertain road without anyone knowing what it's like.
My psychiatrist is also someone I could not do this without. I think back to when I was told they were changing me from DR M to DR P after 8 months, and I was so upset. Honestly, Dr P is such a better fit for me. I feel like he isn't judging me (lord knows I do that enough), and has empathy for what I struggle with.

It's 6:13 AM I should be sleeping

Yet again, tinnitus has not let me sleep. So here I lay, cursing at the invasion, staring at the TV but unable to even focus on what is on. It's extremely loud right now, and I have an earache in that ear. Not really sure if one is causing the other. I've been told my tinnitus is not severe enough or frequent enough, yet I have it 24/7 and it is severe enough to destroy my sleep. Of course the person that told me that does not and has never suffered with this condition. This is what I deal with on a daily basis, and one wonders why I am on anti depressants. So this is my bitch fest for the day :)

Sometimes A Little Note Can Change Your Day

I've had a rough couple of days. Tinnitus raging, sleep has been awful, depression has been consuming and on top of it all I have been feeling like a horrible mother. Josie only had school Monday and Wednesday this week because of elections and Teacher In Service, and because I haven't been falling asleep until 4 or 5 AM I did not hear the alarm BOTH DAYS!!! Not only that, I was feeling so horrible I couldn't even muster the energy or desire to drive her to school. I will add here that she LOVES school and I felt like the worst mother in the world, because this is the first time she missed. I HATE when I get this depressed, and tired, it literally takes every ounce of "life" out of me. Seriously, it is times like this that I feel people would be better off without me. My kids are what keeps me here.
I wish I would just break down and admit defeat and ask someone to call me every morning to make sure I am up, but I am 43 and a mother I should be able to do this on my own. My Psychiatrist has added Cymbalta to the Lexapro because he can see me slipping the other way. I just hope it does something, anything because I am so tired of feeling like this.
I was on FB and I saw a message in my box. I didn't recognize the name, but decided to open it anyway. I was surprised that it was a note from someone from the ATA (American Tinnitus Association) support on FB that has not only read my posts, BUT actually took the time to send me a note letting me know I am not alone and that she reads my posts. More importantly, she said she knows of another person on the board who has posted a while back who also got tinnitus post lightening strike. She is going to see if she can find the post for me. She also remembers reading an article of this happening to someone else.
I so hope that she can find this information, because as crazy as it sounds I NEED there to be someone else, more importantly, someone else that I can possibly talk to. This condition is so hard to explain and talk to people who don't have it. It's not a disability that you can see, and you can't hear what it is that I do 24/7 so how can you, and how can I expect you to?
So anyway, that little note changed my really bad day (or days) into a smile if only briefly, I'll take it!