The new and not so improved me

I miss me,and am trying to come to grips with the new me. I've come to rebel against myself. When I discovered I was pregnant 5 years ago I quit smoking cold turkey. Never had the desire to start again. I drank on RARE occasions, didn't do drugs, no piercings other then my ears, no tattoo's etc. I was your average 40 + YO working mom. Then this happens, and I find myself spinning out of control.
My mother always said I always bite off my nose to spite my face, and now I know why.
Within months, because I felt so out of control with my tinnitus, I started smoking. I know that doesn't make sense but it felt like the ONLY thing I had control over at that time. As the tinnitus continued with no relief and I would get comments on my eye, I went from smoking to smoking and drinking. Again, it was about having control of SOMETHING, if I didn't want a cigarette I didn't smoke, if I didn't want that glass of wine I didn't drink it. I was CONTROLLING what I did. Tattoo came next, and this was actually a good thing, because I have wanted one for years anyway.
Everyone had suggested I try marijuana, something I have tried once in my life when I was 17. It made me so sick I never had the desire to try it again, that is until 4/20/10. I was told it would help me sleep, and I was desperate. Well it did NOT help me sleep, not even a little but it DID do something. The tinnitus was still there, still loud BUT for a brief time I didn't care. I wasn't stressing over it, I wasn't focused on the annoyance, I DIDN'T CARE! I have smoked pot 2 times since then and both times I felt the same. If I wasn't so afraid of getting caught doing something illegal, I would do it more often.
So this is the new, not so improved me. At 42 soon to be 43, I have become a smoking, drinking, pot smoking tattooed momma who is not proud, but desperately trying to learn to live with tinnitus.