Trying something new

So I've decided to blog about my tinnitus (and other things), since I don't think the anti depressants or sleeping pills are making any changes to the situation that has taken over my life. So let me start at the beginning. It was July 16, 2009 and I was at work doing my usual routine of checking my phone messages, email etc. Apparently from what I have been told lightening struck the building, but honestly all I remember is this sharp pain and very loud pop from my headset into my left ear. I immediately threw the headset off, and my co-worker Connie who was sitting in the front of the row on the opposite side of me asked if I was OK. She too got shocked, but hers was through her computer keyboard. I was a bit in shock, I still wasn't sure what happened, I just knew I had this horrendous noise in my ear. Little did I know I was on a long road to trying to learn to live with tinnitus.
I will admit that this condition has left me feeling weak and defeated, and in the beginning dare I say suicidal. Let me first say that tinnitus affects people for different reasons, at different levels, and for different durations. Mine is a constant, very loud crackling in my ear. For the longest time I said it sounded like electrical wires hitting water, but after getting my first tattoo I kind of think it sounds like the instrument that does the tattooing. Imagine NEVER hearing quiet, never having peace, having a constant irritating noise in your "ear". I say "ear" because from what I have been told mine was caused from my brain sending out signals to protect my ear and that the noise is actually from my brain.
I have been to different doctors, have had numerous tests, and no one can give me any answer as to if I will ever be normal again. I have begged for deafness in that ear, only to be told that will not cure it. I was actually told that many ENT doctors believe VanGough was actually a sufferer of tinnitus and that is why he cut off his ear. Since I have had visions of doing that, I tend to think they may be right. So here I am, almost a year later and I am no closer to an answer or a relief then the day it happened.
On top of the tinnitus, I am left with an asymmetrical right eye, which makes me feel like a freak. It seems to be really bad when I am over exhausted, which funny enough is quite often, since I hardly sleep, let alone sleep soundly. Would you, with a constant noise in your ear? I have tried background sound, herbal meds, sleeping pills, I have even worn a masker for hours on end with no relief.
I am depressed, stressed, exhausted and feel like a failure most days. Many people who have no idea what this condition is or does think I should "suck it up", and believe me I wish I could, but at the moment I can't. I see a shrink, but sometimes I feel like I need more then that. I mean how can he know what and how I feel if he himself can't hear what I hear. I want to see a plastic surgeon for my eye, but am also afraid of making it worse. It may not be very noticeable to everyone else, but it certainly is to me. So please be patient, as this blog may sound like one big whine fest, and I promise I will try to infuse it with humor when I find it ;)