This is me :)

This is me :)

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

It's hard to know others are suffering, but nice to know you are not alone

I added a link to this post that someone was kind enough to leave in my responses. It's hard to hear others are suffering with tinnitus and yet there is a part of you that screams "YES, someone knows what I'm feeling"!
It's hard for people to understand that there is truly something wrong with you when you look "normal". How can you possibly be taken over by this invisible condition. I have heard many times to just get over it, learn to live with it, and suck it up, but the thing is I CAN'T! It has literally taken over my life, it controls my sleep, my moods, my insecurities, my concentration, everything.
Close your eyes and imagine a really awful noise, a loud buzzing, an awful hissing, an annoying crackeling, now imagine having that 24/7 with no let up. Never having a second of quiet. Now imagine yourself trying to live your life that way. I have TRIED to imagine myself getting to a point where I can live with it and get back to my normal life, really I have, I just can't imagine doing it. I WANT to, but this is overwhelming. In all honesty, if it wasn't for my kids Alfonso 21, and Josephine 4.5 I think I would have ended it months ago. I've invisioned putting myself out of my misery many times, but I would never put my kids and family through something like that. It actually puts me in a deeper depression sometimes, because I feel weak and like a failure even thinking about it. When I read the above link I cried, because I know exactly what the person was feeling holding that 9 MM, I know the hopelessness, the helplessness, and the devastation one feels when tinnitus enters your life.
I went to a support group a while back, but honestly listening to people who have been suffering with this for 5, 10, 30 years broke my spirit. I CAN NOT imagine suffering with this condition for the rest of my life. I know it's more then likely I will, but I hold on to that glimmer of hope that one day I will wake up and it will be gone as quickly as it came.
I don't talk much about how I feel, because honestly if you have never experienced this, there are no adequate words to explain it. I have to keep rereading what I type because my concentration is almost non existant.
Ok, I am off to read more of the link I provided and hopefully get some more insight from others who suffer from this. http://www.rnid.org.uk/community/forums/tinnitus/thalamocortical_dysrhythmia_tinnitus/

2 comments:

  1. I don't feel I look normal. My "normal" is highlighted hair, shaved legs and plucked eyebrows, big smile, always the life of the party.....now it's basic hygiene that is my normal.

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  2. HA! I hear you. I have so many grays right now it's pathetic. My normal used to be pretty much what you describe, and sadly basic hygiene and an asymmetrical eye is what I am left with. If I'm being honest, on really bad days the basic hygiene is pretty pathetic :(

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