I'm so tired

So tired of so many things. I'm tired of having a constant noise in my ear. Tired of pretending, tired of smiling when what I really want to do is crawl up in a ball and cry. Mostly though, I'm tired of being tired. Even if I get a few hours sleep I wake exhausted. I go through my day exhausted, and I lay here at night exhausted.

There is a Dr. in Michigan that does a surgery putting electrodes in your brain to try and bypass the tinnitus. A woman D, also on the ATA page is seeing him soon. I hope to get more information when she sees him, maybe a doctor around here that performs the same type of surgery. If not, and once I get more information, I'm hoping workman's comp will pay for him to do this procedure. My girlfriend thinks I'm nuts, but I will try anything to get rid of this God awful noise.

That's all I have tonight. I'm to tired to think let alone type anymore. Happy Veteran's Day.

Try not to think about it

That is the advice I have been given more often then not, and while it sounds like terrific advice, it's something I am not capable of doing. To me that is like telling someone who was just diagnosed with terminal cancer to try not to think about it. I understand that my condition is not terminal (although some days I would like to argue that point), but it HAS stolen my life. When I say that, I feel like I am whining, but honestly I don't know what else to do.
In 4 days I have had a total of NINE hours sleep. It's not that I am not tired, and I DO take my sleep meds, but this sound doesn't let me get in that rest mode so that I am able to sleep. It's like trying to sleep with someone yelling in your ear constantly to wake up. I stayed in bed most of the day today, and am still in it, not just from being depressed, but because I am hoping that at some point I can steal some sleep.
I have found encouraging words from the ATA group on facebook, and listening to their stories and struggles helps me greatly. I could NOT imagine trying to travel this uncertain road without anyone knowing what it's like.
My psychiatrist is also someone I could not do this without. I think back to when I was told they were changing me from DR M to DR P after 8 months, and I was so upset. Honestly, Dr P is such a better fit for me. I feel like he isn't judging me (lord knows I do that enough), and has empathy for what I struggle with.

It's 6:13 AM I should be sleeping

Yet again, tinnitus has not let me sleep. So here I lay, cursing at the invasion, staring at the TV but unable to even focus on what is on. It's extremely loud right now, and I have an earache in that ear. Not really sure if one is causing the other. I've been told my tinnitus is not severe enough or frequent enough, yet I have it 24/7 and it is severe enough to destroy my sleep. Of course the person that told me that does not and has never suffered with this condition. This is what I deal with on a daily basis, and one wonders why I am on anti depressants. So this is my bitch fest for the day :)

Sometimes A Little Note Can Change Your Day

I've had a rough couple of days. Tinnitus raging, sleep has been awful, depression has been consuming and on top of it all I have been feeling like a horrible mother. Josie only had school Monday and Wednesday this week because of elections and Teacher In Service, and because I haven't been falling asleep until 4 or 5 AM I did not hear the alarm BOTH DAYS!!! Not only that, I was feeling so horrible I couldn't even muster the energy or desire to drive her to school. I will add here that she LOVES school and I felt like the worst mother in the world, because this is the first time she missed. I HATE when I get this depressed, and tired, it literally takes every ounce of "life" out of me. Seriously, it is times like this that I feel people would be better off without me. My kids are what keeps me here.
I wish I would just break down and admit defeat and ask someone to call me every morning to make sure I am up, but I am 43 and a mother I should be able to do this on my own. My Psychiatrist has added Cymbalta to the Lexapro because he can see me slipping the other way. I just hope it does something, anything because I am so tired of feeling like this.
I was on FB and I saw a message in my box. I didn't recognize the name, but decided to open it anyway. I was surprised that it was a note from someone from the ATA (American Tinnitus Association) support on FB that has not only read my posts, BUT actually took the time to send me a note letting me know I am not alone and that she reads my posts. More importantly, she said she knows of another person on the board who has posted a while back who also got tinnitus post lightening strike. She is going to see if she can find the post for me. She also remembers reading an article of this happening to someone else.
I so hope that she can find this information, because as crazy as it sounds I NEED there to be someone else, more importantly, someone else that I can possibly talk to. This condition is so hard to explain and talk to people who don't have it. It's not a disability that you can see, and you can't hear what it is that I do 24/7 so how can you, and how can I expect you to?
So anyway, that little note changed my really bad day (or days) into a smile if only briefly, I'll take it!

On a positive note

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I actually did some photos of some of my friends kids for my web site and the first one was a little difficult because I was working on ZERO sleep and my tinnitus was really loud. I continued with it because I made myself the promise that I was geeting out of my room and showered after 3 days of not doing either. By the time I got to my girlfriend's house to take pictures of her ADORABLE son I was feeling a bit better. The tinnitus was still raging, but I got my second wind and took some really cute pictures. We had a nice lunch together and then it was back home.
By the time I got home and had everyone settled I thought for sure I would be able to go to sleep...not so much! Not only was my tinnitus raging, but I had an earache too! FML!! I sometimes think that in a past life I was some horrible person and somehow I am being punished for past sins. So I lay there literally in tears until I guess I cried myself to sleep. The last time I looked at the clock it said 4:45, my alarm went off at 6:45 and I had to get Josie ready for school and myself ready to go to her school to help dress the kids and set up for the party. Then it was outside with the wind (and still an earache) to watch the Halloween parade. Of course my daughter looked ADORABLE, but it was hard to really enjoy myself. We went back inside to play games, and with all the noise, the lack of sleep, the tinnitus, and the earache I couldn't wait to leave!
Again I think that I will be able to go to sleep early, but lo and behold here I sit at 10:06 PM an hour and a half after taking my prescribed sleeping pill with the devil in my ear.
Tomorrow night I am supposed to go see the King and I with my mom and my 2 nieces so I NEED to get some sleep. On a positive note my order came in from my girlfriend (who is the mother of the cutest little boy and above mentioned model for me) so I have some AWESOME boots to wear tomorrow.
I can't wait until November because I will be heading to VA to visit with my dearest friend and her 2 beautiful kids and great husband. Maybe a little change will help things even a little. One can hope; right!?!?!
I hope everyone has a wonderful Halloween!

Edited to say it is 2:53AM and here I lay after being exhausted AND taking sleep meds *sigh*.

So I'm back

Ok I know it's been a while, and honestly I had no intention to write anymore, but words from a sweet friend made me reconsider. I guess I wasn't writing anymore, because, well I had nothing good to write about the tinnitus. It's still hear rearing it's ugly head in my daily life. I use the term life rather loosely because I no longer feel like I have one. I keep hoping one day I will habituate tinnitus, but that day has yet to come. More then 15 months later and I still have a hard time coping.
Luckily, I have been on the American Tinnitus Association site on Facebook where there are people who can truly understand what this horrible condition does to a person. I had a REALLY dark week last week and the suicidal thoughts were there and I really felt broken and defeated. Because of my children I know this is a road I would not take, but it still scares me that there are times I seriously wish I was dead, because then the noise would stop. Admitting this feeling makes me feel guilty and mostly weak.
My psychiatrist (bless him) is trying his hardest to stay on point with my depression and has now added Cymbalta along with the Lexapro and the sleeping meds. While the sleeping meds may not be working as they should dealing with the depression right now is my main concern. Last week I literally stayed in the same clothes and mostly in my bed for four days! I say mostly in my bed because on 2 occasions I actually had to leave my house, and sadly did so in the same clothes and looking (and probably smelling) like a street person.
I am not very fun to be around, and as much as my neighbor and dear friend tries to get me out of my house to just go visit with her, I can't. I have no desire to be around anyone and do the fake everything is fine routine. I again, have been in the same clothes and not showered for the past 3 days. BELIEVE ME I KNOW IT'S GROSS!!! I have appointments to take photos tomorrow, and I have Pumpkin Carving at the school tomorrow night, and Josie's school party on Friday (which I volunteered for), a play with my mom on Saturday night, and trick or treating on Sunday and all I want to do is stay in bed!
I will get up and showered tomorrow and at least do one of the photo shoots, but honestly it is so hard for me to concentrate and focus that it isn't as enjoyable as it used to be. This post took me forever to write because it's hard to keep focused. All the other things; well we'll see how it goes....
I miss my old life, and I don't know how to adjust to this new life. I hate Tinnitus, I hate the fact that I am on anti depressants and BP meds and Thyroid meds (never was on any of these BEFORE tinnitus). I'm 43 and feel so much older and I know that sounds pathetic, I say those words and it makes me even more depressed.
On a positive note (yes I have them occasionally) the anti seizure meds I was put on to try and "rewire" my brain to shut this sound off hasn't worked on the tinnitus, but it has made me lose weight. Fran and I are doing great (he has a lot of patience) and Josie LOVES school.

Hope everyone had a great 4th of July

I have been MIA, so let me catch up quickly. My son came into town which is always a pleasure to spend QT time with him! I also have a lot going on personally that I am trying to work through, but that is not for this post ;)
We went to the 4th of July parade (on the 3rd LOL ) that our town has, which is always nice. The fire trucks however, was a rather annoying this year, and left my tinnitus on overdrive for the remainder of the day. I did continue with all the activity we had planned for this weekend because Josie was very excited about our fun-filled schedule.
After he parade we headed out to Mays Landing for a summer jamboree that friends invited us to at their sister's house. It was a great day back in the woods with music, good food, and good friends. Josie spent all of the day and night in the pool or jumping on the trampoline. I spent all of that time eating the great food LOL. The band was nice, and since my tinnitus was already in overdrive, I sat across the yard and listened from there. Did I mention the food was great? I seriously have the most wonderful friends, and enjoyed spending the day and night with them, and meeting new ones. Everyone set up tents in the woods, but Josie and I went home with our friend's and crashed at their place.
Yesterday we went to both my nephew's combined HS graduation party for swimming and more eating. Then we headed to our dear friend's mother's house for some more fun for Josie swimming and playing with all the kids. It is one of our favorite places to go. Awesome authentic Mexican food, Corona, and the nicest people you will ever meet. You are always made to feel like family there. We are actually heading back there today for some barbecue!
I adore my new doctor! He has found a medication that allows me to get 4-5 hours of undisturbed real sleep until the tinnitus wakes me again. He is also helping me with the anger, sadness and frustration I have that I have not had a moment of silence since July 16, 2009. The times when I am idle are the times it hits me the most, because it is during those times that I try to read a book (used to be able to read a book in 2 days), and realize that it takes me forever to read a chapter or two because I can't concentrate or really focus on what I am reading because of the damn noise. My photography has become harder too. I still *take* pictures, it is a passion after all, but editing them becomes a frustrating CHORE because of the focus and concentration issues. I become overwhelmed a lot because I used to take photos, upload and edit immediately, and now I take pictures but the uploading and editing has become such a frustrating and emotionally depleting thing that when I do decide to upload the pics I have hundred's (and at one time 1337 photos) to upload at once and that just brings me back to the anger and frustration  tinnitus has unleashed on me.
I hate when I have my own pity parties, because I have never considered myself a victim mentality type of person, but at times tinnitus breaks me more mentally, emotionally and physically and those days really piss me off, and leaves me feeling like a weak person. I continue on my quest to learn about my condition in hopes to one day have the coping skills to live with this condition without IT dictating my life and the person I have become which some days I don't recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror.

FINALLY!

Sorry I haven't blogged lately, but I have been in a bit of a funk. There is a lot going on right now with my personal life and I have just been having a pity party. The bright side came today when I saw the new psychiatrist. As you know, worker's comp made me switch Dr's after almost 8 months of seeing the one they chose for me. I was a bit apprehensive today, wondering if this was going to be a big waste of time, and if he would "get" me and my tinnitus.
The office itself was beautiful and very welcoming. The receptionist was very nice and offered me soda, water etc. Finally, I was greeted by Dr P, who was very warm, and just seemed like a nice guy. My guard was still up some as we sat down to talk. Of course talking about the accident and my tinnitus involves tears and sobbing, but he was patient. We discussed a lot of things, and he informed me that he was a bit surprised at what workman's comp did with the handeling of switching doctors. He let me know that he does not work for the insurance company, and had no obligations to them only to me.
As we discussed the accident, he was very empathetic, and very thorough on what tests were done on me, what doctors I have seen, and just listened to me and I felt like he "understood" my depression and frustrations.
Then he let's me know that 5 years ago his daughter's boyfriend, the love of her life was struck by lightening and killed on a beach. I know, how AWFUL, BUT the positive was that I finally found someone who understood first hand what lightening can do. Granted it didn't kill ME, but it did kill a part of me, it took parts of my life away. He wasn't telling me to get over it or suck it up, he was saying let's try to figure out how to help you, and if there is something out there that hasn't been tried yet. I swear I wanted to hug that man!
It's hard to explain, but most of the time I feel like the doctors are just going through the motion of seeing me, with no expectation of doing more then that. While I know Dr P is not going to cure me, I feel like he is the most able to kind of understand me, and seems willing to help me search for answers, treatments, or at the very least coping skills.
I am emotionally drained, but hopeful, and looking forward to seeing him again on the 21st.

Another year has passed

So my birthday came and went and I celebrated by hanging out in my bathroom! Yep, sick as a dog. On a positive note I was so sick and dehydrated that I slept! Of course it was that sick sleep where your not really sleeping because your running to the bathroom for one reason or another, but it was sleep none the less.
I had a busy weekend celebrating Memorial Day, and was actually having a good time, until my cousin thought it would be funny to set a VERY loud firecracker off 5 ft from where I was sitting. The PAIN in my ear was horrendous, and the tinnitus spiked about 50 X's louder then it's original annoyance I immediately had to leave.It lasted until late Sunday afternoon, at which time I attended another party that had the BEST authentic Mexican food. I adore Mexican food, and Ricardo and Jessica did not disappoint.
Monday I started getting that sick feeling, and I thought it was the shots of Captain Morgan I took, hey I'll try anything to rid myself of tinnitus for just a short time, and for the record it didn't work. By Monday afternoon I was really NOT feeling well, and I started getting sick Monday night and that lasted all day and night Tuesday.
Today I felt 90% better, so I headed to the hospital to see my BFF since 4th grade Joey. He has a really bad case of staph in his face, poor thing. They lanced it and he will need a few more days (already in there 3 days) of IV antibiotics. On my way home from the hospital I stopped at Ross and treated myself to 3 summer dresses.
Summer dresses are my new love! I NEVER wore them before and man I wish I had! First they hide the little body flaws that start creeping up on you when you pass 40, and second they are so damn comfy and cool! I got 3 dresses, 2 are to rock my new shoes! AH MY SHOES!!!!!!!!! They are HOT, they are also high as all get out and I may break my neck, but I'll look damn good breaking it :)  I will post pics of these shoes when I remember to charge my camera.
On the way home from Ross, and on my way grocery shopping I called my other BFF since fourth grade Krissy. I swear her and I can go months of not talking (just from busy daily life, that woman is always on the run!) but as soon as we talk again we regress to teenage gossipers and we LAUGH! I'm talking laugh until you cry laugh. I am making it my mission to get to her house for a visit very soon! I miss her!
So that was my day. There is actually a little more that went on today, but I'll share that maybe tomorrow. I will probably have my Toddlers and Tiaras rant tomorrow too, so get ready :)

Happy Memorial Day

Let's remember to thank our vets and soldiers for their duties they do, regardless of the hardship. Let's also remember that many of these soldiers are coming back with tinnitus. So many soldiers come home with that horrendous ringing, crackeling, buzzing, from shooting without adequate ear protection. So let's not only thank a soldier, let's push for not only ourselves but for these soldiers to get closer to a cure for tinnitus!

I should be doing ebay

I took pictures today, uploaded them, intending to put my listings on, but I have only put 1 listing on. My tinnitus is really bad today, so much so that I can't focus enough to sit and put my listings on. You would think the incentive of money would be enough, especially when we need it so bad. Tinnitus has won today, yet again. Sometimes I get so tired of this damn noise, I seriously want to stab something into my ear.
I will be one (I think) asking for medical marijuana. It may not fix the insomnia or tinnitus, actually it worsens the tinnitus, but it cetainly makes me not give a flip about it for a short time.
I might even try to see Sex And The City sometime this week with a little assistance ;)  I know there is no way I will do it without, because the volume of the theatre and the surround sound really irritates the ear, BUT if I don't "care" about the tinnitus for a short while I may actually enjoy it. I love SATC, I love the clothes, the shoes, the characters and yes even the eye candy of Mr. Big and Aiden.
I have a lot planned this weekend, and hope I feel like doing it all. Sometimes I cancel out because of headache, or just feeling like shit from the tinnitus keeping me up.
I hope everyone has a safe and fun weekend. Please say a prayer for my step son fighting over in Afghanistan.

*sigh*

Bad night last night with tinnitus and NO SLEEP! I also had a regular Dr appointment today to go over my lab work from last week, and apparently I am falling apart. I will now be on cholesterol meds (2) and thyroid meds for the rest of my life. My lab work was so crazy it was almost funny....ALMOST. I have to schedule a thyroid US, carotid US and 2D echo and I guess invest in a daily pill organizer ;)  My eye is really bad today, and Fran lovingly calls me his cockeyed bitch LOL. This is all said in humor, so don't comment about him being mean, he doesn't have a mean bone in his body. I often wonders how he can put up with me since the accident, because most of the time I'm so miserable I can't even stand to be around myself. So that is my day so far and it's only 11:30 AM. I am left to wonder, and probably should have asked the doc if my thyroid could have somehow been caused by the electrical shock I received since I haven't had issues before. I know the cholesterol and triglycerides aren't because they have been high as long as I can remember, they are just so high now that I can no longer ignore it and wish it away.

Do you swag?

I LOVE swagbucks, it's almost an obsession. So here is the deal for those that don't know. You use swagbucks to search random stuff and usually about 3 times a day you get rewarded with swag bucks. You also get them for daily polls, special offers, and referrals. The best part is it is FREE, yes FREE!! I have been doing it for probably 5 weeks or less and have already gotten $50 in amazon $5 gift cards, $5 cokkieskids GC, and $5 Redenvelope GC. I store my amazon GC in my amazon account and am saving them for when I see something I MUST have. Plus come Christmas time they run CRAZY deals (which I will post!). My little widget for swagging is to the right on my blog. Let me talk about referrals. When people sign up under you you get the same points your referral does until they hit 1,000 bucks and then you no longer get the points. I have 2 really awesome referrals who are about to max out, and more that are just getting into the searches. This is my link if anyone is interested. If you sign up, promote your referral on FB, Myspace, your own blog and get your friends swagging! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain, and did I mention IT IS FREE! Happy swagging! Plus it gives me something to do on my many sleepless nights!
http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/donna6167

Wow just Wow

Today I had my weekly psychiatrist visit, and while I was in his waiting room waiting to go in my phone rang, when I answered it it was my nurse case manager. She asked me when my next appointment with Dr. M was and I said it is right now, I'm  waiting to go in. She proceeded to tell me to let him know this would be my last appointment with him and that she has set up another appointment with a different Dr (this was supposed to be just an IME) that I will be seeing June 9, and also said that I will no longer be seeing my ENT since there is nothing he can do. Now I understand about the ENT, because I only see him every 6 weeks and really other then check my ears and be completely empathetic, and so wonderfully supportive and genuinely concerned there really is nothing more he can do. The psychiatrist is a completely different story.
I mean I understand about getting an IME, even though I am seeing the psychiatrist they picked for me, but to completely CHANGE doctors 6 months into treatment??? I have built a patient relationship with Dr M, and although I am struggling emotionally and mentally coming to terms with my tinnitus, I feel comfortable now to discuss things with Dr M. Now, I have to start the process with someone new?

The new and not so improved me

I miss me,and am trying to come to grips with the new me. I've come to rebel against myself. When I discovered I was pregnant 5 years ago I quit smoking cold turkey. Never had the desire to start again. I drank on RARE occasions, didn't do drugs, no piercings other then my ears, no tattoo's etc. I was your average 40 + YO working mom. Then this happens, and I find myself spinning out of control.
My mother always said I always bite off my nose to spite my face, and now I know why.
Within months, because I felt so out of control with my tinnitus, I started smoking. I know that doesn't make sense but it felt like the ONLY thing I had control over at that time. As the tinnitus continued with no relief and I would get comments on my eye, I went from smoking to smoking and drinking. Again, it was about having control of SOMETHING, if I didn't want a cigarette I didn't smoke, if I didn't want that glass of wine I didn't drink it. I was CONTROLLING what I did. Tattoo came next, and this was actually a good thing, because I have wanted one for years anyway.
Everyone had suggested I try marijuana, something I have tried once in my life when I was 17. It made me so sick I never had the desire to try it again, that is until 4/20/10. I was told it would help me sleep, and I was desperate. Well it did NOT help me sleep, not even a little but it DID do something. The tinnitus was still there, still loud BUT for a brief time I didn't care. I wasn't stressing over it, I wasn't focused on the annoyance, I DIDN'T CARE! I have smoked pot 2 times since then and both times I felt the same. If I wasn't so afraid of getting caught doing something illegal, I would do it more often.
So this is the new, not so improved me. At 42 soon to be 43, I have become a smoking, drinking, pot smoking tattooed momma who is not proud, but desperately trying to learn to live with tinnitus.

Any good books?

It's hard to concentrate to be able to read a book, however, I have been looking at these two books at Amazon. I have $25 in my Amazon account thanks to the GC's I won at swagbucks and am trying to decide which one to order. Has anyone read or heard of either? For the record I do get a percentage of orders through my blog BUT I am not asking anyone to purchase these through me I am simply trying to decide which one if any to order.
I have gone from reading 2 books a week, to being lucky if I can finish one in 2 weeks or longer. Because of the concentration issues I find myself going back and rereading what I have already read because I can't remember what I read.
Has anyone read any good books on tinnitus?

UGH I have a major headache

I noticed today that my tinnitus was really acting up today/tonight, which in turn makes me clench my jaw together really tight and of course, this causes a really bad headache that starts at my jaw and goes around my head. It's 1 AM and I have 12 hours until my weekly appointment with my psychiatrist. I feel a little guilty, because I think I have opened up and admitted more here about my feeling of failure, weakness and depression.

It's hard to know others are suffering, but nice to know you are not alone

I added a link to this post that someone was kind enough to leave in my responses. It's hard to hear others are suffering with tinnitus and yet there is a part of you that screams "YES, someone knows what I'm feeling"!
It's hard for people to understand that there is truly something wrong with you when you look "normal". How can you possibly be taken over by this invisible condition. I have heard many times to just get over it, learn to live with it, and suck it up, but the thing is I CAN'T! It has literally taken over my life, it controls my sleep, my moods, my insecurities, my concentration, everything.
Close your eyes and imagine a really awful noise, a loud buzzing, an awful hissing, an annoying crackeling, now imagine having that 24/7 with no let up. Never having a second of quiet. Now imagine yourself trying to live your life that way. I have TRIED to imagine myself getting to a point where I can live with it and get back to my normal life, really I have, I just can't imagine doing it. I WANT to, but this is overwhelming. In all honesty, if it wasn't for my kids Alfonso 21, and Josephine 4.5 I think I would have ended it months ago. I've invisioned putting myself out of my misery many times, but I would never put my kids and family through something like that. It actually puts me in a deeper depression sometimes, because I feel weak and like a failure even thinking about it. When I read the above link I cried, because I know exactly what the person was feeling holding that 9 MM, I know the hopelessness, the helplessness, and the devastation one feels when tinnitus enters your life.
I went to a support group a while back, but honestly listening to people who have been suffering with this for 5, 10, 30 years broke my spirit. I CAN NOT imagine suffering with this condition for the rest of my life. I know it's more then likely I will, but I hold on to that glimmer of hope that one day I will wake up and it will be gone as quickly as it came.
I don't talk much about how I feel, because honestly if you have never experienced this, there are no adequate words to explain it. I have to keep rereading what I type because my concentration is almost non existant.
Ok, I am off to read more of the link I provided and hopefully get some more insight from others who suffer from this. http://www.rnid.org.uk/community/forums/tinnitus/thalamocortical_dysrhythmia_tinnitus/

A shitty morning

Hopefully, what I just cleaned up isn't a sign of a what is in store for today. My dog whom I love dearly, decided that he didn't want to disturb me while I got my hour and a half sleep, and thought he'd be oh so kind and shit on my floor. Which wouldn't have been all that big of a deal; buuuut my daughter accidently stepped in it and proceeded to "wipe" her feet on the rug. *sigh* So my day started with cleaning the hardwood floor (an easy clean up), to scrubbing the carpet in multiple places (not so easy). My dog, Chaz, of course is now laying on my leg looking at me with that look of "man, I've had a rough morning". Josie, of course is off to school, looking as cute as a button in her ponytails.

Oh forgot to mention

The sleep or lack there of isn't the only thing keeping me from working. I can't concentrate, I will delve into this in another post. Maybe later today. or now I want to list the sleep meds that I have tried since this started. Ambien, Ambien CR, Lunesta, (leaves an awful taste in your mouth!) xanax, and now Serequel XR. As you can see by the time of my post, I haven't found anything that works.
My anti depressant is Lexapro 30 MG OD. Some days I think that dose is OK, other days not so much.

Let's talk workman's comp

Ok so I have been unable to work since this happened, and I do mean unable. Workman's comp has been pretty good, although I have to say that lately it is becoming an issue. Let me point out that I am getting 30% less then what I made while on workmen's comp, and I am the only income coming into my house so you can do the math. If I COULD work, I would, honestly I miss my job and my co workers, but I have not mastered the tools of living with tinnitus. I never know when my body will allow me to sleep, it usually happens when it just gives out on me and says enough is enough. For example, I took my newest sleeping pill Serequel XR at 8 PM, it is 3:22 AM and I am still waiting to fall asleep. It's hard to sleep when you have this unending noise keeping you awake.
So my nurse case manager called the other day and said she wants an IME with another Psychiatrist, and that they would be calling soon. That's fine, I have no problem with that, and actually look forward to hopefully having someone else suggesting something new to try that might help me. The problem is, I am sure this will be like my ENT IME, and Neuro IME and I will walk out with no new information or hope. So I wait for the call, and appointment.
Oh, I also got my termination letter from work. Mind you, everyone knew at work long before I found out. I was terminated 4/22/10. I understand that they can't hold my job forever, but a phone call would have been nice. Instead my coworkers knew long before I did. I was a good, no wait an excellent worker, I was emplyee of the month the first month I qualified. I was a super user on our new computer system, I had letters from patients that praised me, I really liked what I was doing. Now I am told that I may have to accept performing at 60, 70 or 80% of what I used to perform. To me that is unacceptable. I KNOW the worker I am and being and giving anything less then 110% is just not acceptable. The thought of it depresses me, literally!
So while most people are sleeping at 3:32 AM, I am here typing WISHING I could sleep. When I finally do fall asleep I am usually awakened within a few hours from the tinnitus.
BTW that thing over there>>>>>>>>> is for Amazon. Occasionally I will find something that I like, or a bargain I want to share and I will put a link to it. Nothing in the box now is anything I have read, used or recommend. I also make a % off the sales, so I wanted to be up front about that. I don't expect anyone to use it, but I figure it doesn't hurt to put it there in case there is something that I can share that someone may want.
Here is my funny or not so funny (for me) for tonight. My birthday is June 1, and I asked my daughter how old does she think I am going to be. Her answer? EIGHTY LMAO, out of the mouths of babes I guess. I will be buying hair dye this week to cover up the grays ;)

Trying something new

So I've decided to blog about my tinnitus (and other things), since I don't think the anti depressants or sleeping pills are making any changes to the situation that has taken over my life. So let me start at the beginning. It was July 16, 2009 and I was at work doing my usual routine of checking my phone messages, email etc. Apparently from what I have been told lightening struck the building, but honestly all I remember is this sharp pain and very loud pop from my headset into my left ear. I immediately threw the headset off, and my co-worker Connie who was sitting in the front of the row on the opposite side of me asked if I was OK. She too got shocked, but hers was through her computer keyboard. I was a bit in shock, I still wasn't sure what happened, I just knew I had this horrendous noise in my ear. Little did I know I was on a long road to trying to learn to live with tinnitus.
I will admit that this condition has left me feeling weak and defeated, and in the beginning dare I say suicidal. Let me first say that tinnitus affects people for different reasons, at different levels, and for different durations. Mine is a constant, very loud crackling in my ear. For the longest time I said it sounded like electrical wires hitting water, but after getting my first tattoo I kind of think it sounds like the instrument that does the tattooing. Imagine NEVER hearing quiet, never having peace, having a constant irritating noise in your "ear". I say "ear" because from what I have been told mine was caused from my brain sending out signals to protect my ear and that the noise is actually from my brain.
I have been to different doctors, have had numerous tests, and no one can give me any answer as to if I will ever be normal again. I have begged for deafness in that ear, only to be told that will not cure it. I was actually told that many ENT doctors believe VanGough was actually a sufferer of tinnitus and that is why he cut off his ear. Since I have had visions of doing that, I tend to think they may be right. So here I am, almost a year later and I am no closer to an answer or a relief then the day it happened.
On top of the tinnitus, I am left with an asymmetrical right eye, which makes me feel like a freak. It seems to be really bad when I am over exhausted, which funny enough is quite often, since I hardly sleep, let alone sleep soundly. Would you, with a constant noise in your ear? I have tried background sound, herbal meds, sleeping pills, I have even worn a masker for hours on end with no relief.
I am depressed, stressed, exhausted and feel like a failure most days. Many people who have no idea what this condition is or does think I should "suck it up", and believe me I wish I could, but at the moment I can't. I see a shrink, but sometimes I feel like I need more then that. I mean how can he know what and how I feel if he himself can't hear what I hear. I want to see a plastic surgeon for my eye, but am also afraid of making it worse. It may not be very noticeable to everyone else, but it certainly is to me. So please be patient, as this blog may sound like one big whine fest, and I promise I will try to infuse it with humor when I find it ;)